December 7, 2016
Texas High Schools to Offer Vocational Training to Meet Anticipated Need for “Anatomy Inspectors” to Enforce New Bathroom Bill*
By Warren Holleman
A study by the Texas Business Association has shown that a transgender bathroom bill will cost Texas 185,000 jobs and $8.5 billion dollars per year. But Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick plans to move forward with the bill anyway, announcing last week that the bathroom bill is at the top of his legislative agenda.
Patrick explained that his version of the bill, which he’s calling the “Women’s Privacy Act” (WPA), includes an enforcement provision certain to boost jobs in the state. “The Texas WPA is going to create 728, 242 new jobs.” That’s because the law requires “anatomy inspectors” in every public restroom to certify that those using them meet the anatomical requirements. “We’ll hire men to check for penises, and real women—anatomically 100% unambiguous women—to serve as anatomy inspectors for the women’s rest rooms. They’ll check every man, woman, and child. Since we have 364,121 public restrooms in Texas, that’s 728,242 jobs!” Patrick said that “the Texas WPA will make FDR’s WPA look like small potatoes.” And the jobs we create will be socially redeeming: “Our Anatomy Inspectors will protect our women and children–whether they want it or not!”
At the press conference yesterday, Patrick described in graphic terms what the inspectors will be looking for, and hopefully preventing, from entering the state’s women’s rest rooms. He even volunteered to do some of the inspecting himself.
When asked about projections that Dell, Apple, and other high-tech companies will leave Texas if the bill is passed, Patrick said “Yeah, we’ll lose a lot of highly paid jobs in the Austin area. And we’ll lose lots of the professional sports and convention business as well. But these are urban problems, and as a legislature we only care about the rural parts of Texas. Cities never vote Republican; they have the federal government to bail them out.”
But for all those young people in rural Texas looking for jobs, Patrick says: “We’ve got an exciting new career for you!”
To keep pace with the anticipated changing job scene in Texas, Patrick plans to drop math and science from high school curriculum and replace them with “Anatomy Inspection” courses. “It will be truly ‘hands on’ training,” he says.
Patrick predicts that high school students will soon be “cancelling their academic classes and registering in droves” for the new vocational curriculum. And he’s probably right. “There is no more exciting career than being an anatomy inspector, and I want it so bad I can almost taste it!” exclaimed one high school sophomore who spoke on condition of anonymity.
While critics charge that the state should not be exposing minors to an “X-rated” curriculum, Dan Patrick sees it differently: “High school students have always been anatomy inspectors; we’re just embedding it into the curriculum. And we’re removing the truly X-rated stuff, like evolution, global warming, and liberal arts.”
*This is satire, of course, but there’s nothing funny about Dan Patrick’s agenda for our beloved State of Texas. Please share! The more people we get to laugh at Dan Patrick, the less likely he and the other men running the Texas legislature will be able to pass their so-called Women’s Privacy Act. (Which, by the way, has nothing to do with women or privacy. It’s just an “act” to stir up stupid people to get them to vote GOP.
If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy a related story about North Carolina’s bathroom bill.