April 23, 2016

North Carolina Hires 217,812 “Anatomy Inspectors” to Enforce State’s New Bathroom Bill*

By Warren Holleman

In the jargon-laden world that is HR (Human Resources), it’s not unusual for one acronym to serve multiple purposes. When a business executive lists “ED” beside his name, it’s never clear whether he’s an “Executive Director,” a “Doctor of Education,” or, simply letting you know he has erectile dysfunction. A younger executive using the term “PC” could be talking about anything from personal computers to political correctness. But her old-school counterparts might incorrectly assume she’s calling out a “privileged character.” Or ordering a sandwich (pimento cheese).

So it should come as no surprise that AI, which used to be the exclusive domain of jobs related to “artificial intelligence,” is now being invoked to represent the world’s newest profession: “anatomy inspector.”

Last year the state of North Carolina passed House Bill 2, the so-called “Bathroom Bill,” which requires those using men’s and women’s bathrooms to have a penis and a vagina, respectively. To enforce the law, the state’s Bureau of Waste Management is in the process of hiring 217,812 “anatomy inspectors” – one for each public restroom in the state, and one for each job that is projected to leave the state due to the controversial new law.

“It’s all being done very appropriate,” states Governor Pat McCrory. “Men will inspect those who wish to enter the men’s room, and women will serve as inspectors for the ladies’ room.”

But some of McCrory’s critics on the far right are saying it’s not appropriate at all. “It’s very, very, very gay,” stated the Reverend Pat Robertson. “I don’t want some hipster with a weird mustache checking out my package. Why not hire strippers and prostitutes? That way we’d give them real jobs, socially redemptive jobs. Plus it would be a revenue generator. Men—truly heterosexual men—would pay to use those bathrooms.” Robertson says it’s partly a linguistic problem. “I don’t feel comfortable around the GLBTs. Or the LGBTs. The only acronym I like that even comes close is BLT. I love a good BLT, especially with real mayonnaise. All this talk about addressing the social evils of our day must be making me hungry!”

The NC (North Carolina) governor says he is also catching flack from “NC’s GD PC JDs.” At last count, 459 AIs (angry individuals) have filed lawsuits against the state’s AIs (anatomy inspectors). The litigants are not claiming violations of privacy per se, but rather a failure of the state to prove that the inspectors are actually who they say they are, gender-wise. “It’s the most DA (dumb ass) thing,” states one DA (district attorney) who spoke on condition of DA (deliberate anonymity). “They hired all these AIs, alleged women for the women’s bathrooms and alleged men for the men’s bathrooms, but they forgot to check the inspectors themselves for penises and vaginas. You gotta have proof! Otherwise a male impersonating a female could get a job as a female AI and we’d wind up creating the very problem we sought to solve—and on a much larger scale! LOL!”

Governor McCrory says he will correct the problem immediately by checking the (alleged) male inspectors himself. And his wife will check the (alleged) female inspectors. At a press conference yesterday, McCrory described what he hoped to see on each and every male inspector.

But he may not find it, at least not immediately. Apparently many of the AIs are refusing to submit for inspection unless the governor and his wife are themselves certified as having a penis and a vagina, respectively. The AI’s union has requested and received an injunction from a liberal judge, who is insisting that the first family submit to an inspection.

This time the governor is fighting back, saying he won’t be bullied “by the courts or big government, either.” Waxing philosophic, he continued: “Whatever happened to the day when people trusted one another? And when government didn’t poke its nose into everybody’s business? Whatever happened to those times? Where did they go? And where are those people who look you in the eye, not in the crotch, and take you at your word? Where did those people go?”

Obviously, not to the bathroom.

*Just in case you haven’t figured it out by now… This is satire.

FD (Full Disclosure): I’m a native North Carolinian, and I love my state despite this new law that has everybody talking about NC for all the wrong reasons. I’m FD (Freaking Determined) to do what I can to get this law overturned and to keep a similar law from being passed in Texas, where I’ve lived the last 37 years, and where our obsessed-with-shit Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has made his bathroom bill a top priority for the 2017 legislative session. I know this sounds like a joke, but it isn’t. With our state’s glaring problems in education, Children’s Protective Services, gun violence, health care, and mental health, this is where he wants to focus?

If you think humor helps, please share this blog or write one of your own. Also, take a look at my new blog about Anatomy Inspectors in Texas. Whatever else we can say about NC’s House Bill 2, or the Texas version that is presently just a gleam in Dan Patrick’s eye, it makes for good comedy. But there’s a sad side too, especially if you or someone you love is transgender. Or, if you’re one of those people who’d like our government to fix the real problems, not invent fake ones. Let’s laugh and cry about this law until it’s safely flushed down the proverbial toilet!

#acronyms#bathroom bill#McCrory#North Carolina